No Names This Time

Pretty sure you dont love me
because I've been through this before
I wish that I could be
the one you were looking for

So break off those plans
you made for me
I dont want to get tattoos
behind our knees

So give me back my heart
that you stole so well
Im going to miss all those lies
you used to tell

And I know you never loved me
maybe it was only for show
but I only hope you're happy
with a love you could never let go.

The Longest I've Gone

This is the longest I have gone without writing. Well writing in xanga or my diary that is. I've actually been writing songs. Actually lets back track xanga, because I feel like i have left you out for the past 9 months. I'm truly sorry.

For starters: I worked Warped Tour 2011. Went around the country handing out 3 pallets of Monster a day meanwhile hanging out with these people who for the first time made me feel like I belonged. I've always been ok with being different and a little off but it was really like any other feeling. No one gave me dirty looks for my tattoos or earings. It was amazing and I met people like Will Wes, John James Ryan, Daniel Gonzalez, and Sean Picard. These people left a lasting impression on me that I could never forget.

Fast forward to my first semester of nursing school. Sully passed away. Baby Micah passed away. Mr. Myers passed away. and Justin passed away. Great Grammy went to the hospital, Grammy Mom bought a new house because she's getting so bad off. Grampa had major surgery on his leg. Uncle Dave went back to the hospital for his bad heart. I just wanted to run away. To go back to Warped. I came home and started to notice all the looks I've ignored my whole life. I failed nursing school because my head was somewhere else. I would come home and just sit with my books open but I wasn't reading them. Some nights I just sat and cried to my friends in other states. I've never failed anything so miserably. It hurt. Sucked the pride right out of me.

Fast forward to next semester: Current semester. I'm focused on my music and right now my goal is to bring more young women into the music scene. I've realized that music is really where my heart lies. Don't get me wrong, I love being in the hospital and sometime I will really have to write down some stories from working, but that will have to wait. Because right now I'm taking the problems that always sit on my chest and getting them out. I've played 2/3? shows now, and I have two lined up next week. Also some friends and I are having a "tuperware party" next week to get down some information from the other girls about maybe getting some female promoters out there. Also, maybe influence more girls to pick up instruments or even just come to shows. Yeah, my head is in the clouds you could say. But I think I deserve some happiness here and there.

Because folks, life is too short. That is as true as it gets. And what matters in my life are those people who seem to be my biggest fans, like my Dad, cousins, Scar, and the friends I've made that have really pushed me forward. I'm not sure how I lucked out, but I just did. So here's a more positive up to date entry on my life- now I can go back to the day in day out drone. 

It's good to be back.

-San 

Sandi

A flock of birds flys so lovely together. Their wings almost touching as they swim back and forth in the sky. Hundreds in the sky without collision. There is no leader amoung the flock of starlings, just one simple rule to stay close to one another. As the birds fly further and further apart the alien sight will lose its beauty to the birds taking off on their own direction. 

I will never live to witness this in my own world. This will never happen as long as we continue to seperate ourselves with words. Black, white, Catholic, American, Republican. The more we declare and associate with, the further we push ourselves away from the connected and loving world I sometimes dream of living in. But instead of being so sure that we are those other things, why can't we just be even more sure that we are human? Maybe it has something to do with the negitive connotation involved with the word that makes us cling on to the others.

And they will say, "Please let me stand with something that is seen as good. Let me hold hands with those next to me who say they are apart so they will also think that I am good. Just let me pretend to feel that I am good because of my association. Because deep down, I know I am not. Deep down I know I am human. And that is not exactly what I want to be."

Well you are. I am. We all are just human. Just for one day, lets use words like son or daughter. Let's call ourselves human and do something good in our name!

Until that day, I will try to live with the intention of putting good into my name.

Young Women.

You will fall hard and if not for a mean boy, the world will make sure to sweep its welcome mat right from underneath you into a pit of double standards and low self esteem. One day it's like you wake up and you're expected to wear make-up and give boys dances. Where does this come from anyway? It seems within the same year you just learned how to do your own laundry and next thing you know you're in gym class dressing out seeing everyone else's white fanny because their mom's all bought them thongs. But that's 6th grade. Many girls will stay true to their stuffed animals still on their bed next to their pillows. By 9th grade, you will most likely be pressured into the big "O". Oral. Soon after, there's sex and you're hardly 15! I'm not mad. It's just I love you because I was you; I just wish you would have been more faithful to your stuffed bunny. To the youth that may never read this, here is my advice anyways: You have so many more people to love in your life so try hard not to get caught up on one. Love those who love you back who have always loved you- always keep enough love in your heart for them. Love yourself for who you wake up to and who you see in the mirror before you go out on a Friday night. If your happiness falls on one person, wear knee pads because that is too much to ask of anyone. They will fail and you will bust. It's ok. Always breathe and clear your head before rushing into these situations you will find yourself in. Speak your brilliant mind and keep your words as beautiful as your insides. 

To my Shelby, growing up as we speak, I love you. Please don't make my same mistakes; I want you to be better than me. We have a lot of the same genetics so just know I have a few play books you can look at if you ever need it. We can look at what got me kicked out of two different homes. And we can look at the times I felt the lowest of low, and the times I felt like kissing. I know we aren't real sisters but if you ever walked into a mess, I would fight for you. I promise to always be on your side. Good luck growing up.

Long Live Hardcore.

Black Hole Kids, P.S. Elliot, Legion, Korova, Product of Waste, Ceremony.

Ross (vocals of Ceremony) and Terry (vocals of Product of Waste).

Last nights show was amazing. Nothing like being right in front of the speakers, drinched in your own sweat, with this all your friends stomping and slamming your fists on the stage, and singing the words to all your favorite songs. Man it's so good to have a place to go and listen to music again. I just hope the stupid boys and girls who were there last night learn better. Honestly, it has been too long and now people are starting fights across the street and throwing trash by the Fire House? Fuck those kids. Even to the few of my friends who were being quiet and smoking weed behind the building, grow up. Do that in your own home. It's not like you were being sneaky about it in that huge pow wow circle. I could smell your bowls from 20ft away. The last thing we need is 100 cops swarming the site. On a lighter note, I think I might have a boxers fracture. I'm afraid my friends, I got Ceremonied on.